I want a change

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…or two. Quick. Radical…..Let’s see where this will take me. This urge is close to anticipation of an orgasm. It builds in waves…stronger and stronger. Will I ride on the wave? Will I let it sweep me away? Will I be on the crest of the wave? Will I let it pass? I do not know. I want to know.
In the past, which I cherish, whenever I wanted a change I used to run to the hairdresser. A change of hair cut or hair colour would trap me into thinking of it as a change I wanted. Now I laugh at the thought of it. Pictures of myself keep reminding me  how self deceiving I was. An urge for change rooted into most intimate thoughts will not go away with a new hair-cut or new cloths or a new partner or a new house.
As I sip my divine mochaccino (thank you barista!), I realise that there is actually no need for change. It’s my inner self which screams for freedom. Freedom from conventions, freedom from self-inflicted stereotypes, freedom from what others want me to have/want. When I am at peace with myself, there is no such urge. I am filled with creative flows, I am generous, I am happy. Have I forgotten the golden rules of inner peace? Be grateful, see the beauty in everything around me, enjoy it, even if it’s a lemon!, brief, smile, laugh, dream with eyes wide open, let the warmth of love heal my heart…
I witnessed huge changes in one of my dearest friend’s life. I know him for for over 15 years now. He embraced enormous life transforming changes over this period. I realised every change he made towards his inner self was gradual, painful at times but in a beautiful, creative way. He is now at peace. I see it in his eyes, his gestures, his smile. Will he want to radically change anything now? I looked for an answer in a coming-out video he recently made public. I do not think so. He seems in a safe harbor, filled with love. So for now, he will probably simply wave good buy to any sudden urge for change.  ….And I am going to do the same.

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Well, with one exception perhaps:  a visit to a make up artist does not count, right? 🙂

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