Monthly Archives: September 2012

Do you remember your first kiss?


I do. Soft, tender, sweeter than anything earth-ish, which left an unforgettable taste of a Philippino island.

Then there was another first kiss: demanding, wild, absorbing, exhilarating which left a taste of the savage North sea on my burning with desire lips.

Then there was another first kiss: blissful, full of gentleness and giving promises of forever young under a Southern sunshine.

Then there was another first kiss: shy, gently asking if ok to go forward, paving the way for an unbelievable make up sex in the midst of a marriage rebirth.

Then there was a silent first kiss where two craving mouths have never met and still experienced a feeling of ecstasy mixed with the fine taste of chastity and fidelity …

Some of us grow up with the stereotype that there is ‚only one first time’, incomparable  unforgettable  ‚the one and only’. I find it to be such a limiting perspective… My first stereotyped kind of kiss was a disaster I still laugh about.

My heart opened to terrific memories of other first kisses. Each of them is a first.

Each of them gets that award – The One and Only.

I have a strong inner feeling other Firsts will follow, anew, to renew my commitment to love and life.

Do you remember your first kisses?…

The gift of unwanted children


She knew she was not a desired child from her first breath. She knew it when a sea wave claimed her life. She knew it when a racing car touched the tip of her hair and her six years of life glimpsed in a second before her eyes.

Reading some stories on made me realise that parents deprive their children of their inner confidence because they themselves lack it. They do not cherish their lives enough to be able to share love and behave accordingly with their progenies. It’s not about the child. It’s about the parent. The parent is the one in need of help. If he/she wants it. 

‚You get what you give’ is a basic rule of life. What can an unwanted child give back to his/her parents? Many will lower and respond with the same rejection, anger and egoism.

Many will rise above and bless them. As I did. It was a long way but it was immensely worth it, as it brought me peace and love. I gained back my power. It came from the understanding that while it’s true that back then I had no choices, I do have a choice now.

Unwanted children are a gift to themselves, this is my pronouncement. They are survivers. Thanks to John Medina (Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five) and Louise Hay I understood that my brain worked harder to claim my right to live and to prosper and to love, namely because it felt threatened.

It takes time and effort to reinstate your inner child where it belongs – in a loving heart.

It can be your own heart or the heart of your loved and desired child. Your child and your inner child will be a great company to each other – I know it firsthand :).

Infidelity: a mother, a company, a life


Infidelity is thrill, butterflies in the stomach, drive, excitment, sense of living on the edge, adrenaline … for those involved.

It has collateral damage however. Often overlooked. Most of the time overloooked by those involved. No judgement attached. Only sadness.

Infidelity may cost a child a mother:

She engaged in an affair. She was thrilled by the attention of a man she saw as ideal. An ideal she throught she does not have at home. She decided it’s time for her to please herself. Through another man. A married man. Her child was totally unware. It was her child’s graduation period. The child was overwhelmed by pressure from exams and pressure to look for a job. When the husband found out about the affair, he spilled all his anger and frustration on their child. The child became an advocate for her mother. She trully believed she had her reasons … . Later in life, the child revisited the situation only to understand that she has been put in a position she should have never been put in. She understood she lost her parents back then. She grieved and let it go. Life was generous to her and she met three exceptional ladies who treated her as a daughter.

Infidelity may cost a company a profitable contract:

She studied him. He was the  team leader. He had a blog and a very active presence on social networks, which made him an easy target to study and manipulate. He was happily married for 12 years, with three kids. She was married for 10 years, with a child. She wanted to advance her career. No matter what. She flirted with him. Kept him in suspance. Made halucinating offers of illusory freedom. He became tense, his work trashy. She slept with him. She became a deputy team leader. He entered a stage of zombism. She ruled it all. Except for the donor and the beneficiary. They disliked it and asked for a decision from the implementing company. The implementeing company saw no conflict of interest: ‚people get into relationships all the time’ was the stance. The contract was cut by 14 months. The company is now -3,000,000 Euro.

Infidelity may cost a life

They were married for 35 years with a 32 year old daughter. On their 35th aniversary she finds out by accident that he has a child of 25 with another woman with whom he has been in contact over the last year. ‚remorse’ he said made him look and find her after 25 years of total silence and absense from that child’s life. The wife asked him to stop immediately the communication or at least make it on  more open terms, not behind her back. He agreed but continued to immerse even deeper in a double life. In 5 months he had a heart attack – in 30 minutes he was gone. The corroner was amazed – his heart was literaly split in two.

Thrilling as it seems, infidelity is an endeavour to enter into with a well done home work.

Is it worth it? From whose point of view? And for how long? Would it make people involved better?

It may be an open door, but to what ? a happier, a wealthier, a richer life?

The human side of idealism


I’ve witnessed idealism doing harm. Ideals of a dictatorship crushing people’s and generations’ lives.

I am an idealist. I chose my college major out of idealism. Some people choose jobs out of idealism. Met a doctor in an emergency room I took my kid to. She did everything by the book and dropped something like ‚this is not why i went to medical school for” referring to the dreadfull system. There was so much

Radiance in her

Eccentric look with a great deal of power of

Attracton out of


Immersed in the

Altruism and

Loyalty to kids that she could have become an


Teacher in a world of


The tricky thing about IDEALISM is that is flourishes or dyes after the crush with REALITY. It needs to become a new creature to survive,  a … READIALITY , if you wish:

R: radiance

E: eccentric

A: attraction

D: devotion

I: immersion

A: altruism

L: loyalty

I: innocence

T: teacher

Y: yang and/or yin, as you see it.

The Desert of Forbidden Art


We enjoy freedom to express ourselves. This blog and many others are a testimony. But it has not and in some places is still not a matter of fact.

I came across a new Emmy nominated documentary, The Desert of Forbidden Art. It’s about the Nukus Museum of Art or, in full, The State Art Museum of the Republic of Karakalpakstan (an autonomous area within Uzbekistan), which opened in 1966. Igor Savitsky (1915-84), a Russian born in Kiev, risking denunciation as an “enemy of the people”, sought out and assembled over 40,000 Russian avant-garde and post avant-garde pieces of art and housed them in the Nukus Museum. A trailer can be watched here

Art and culture or just simple acts of humanity are often sources of inspiration that can sustain us in the darkest of circumstances. I remember my grandmother’s story of her father saving centuries old paintings from a temple about to be demolished by infidels. I now own one of those paining as a reminder of sacrifice and devotion to the true self.

about photo: the movie poster for Desert of Forbidden Art which was written, produced, and directed by Amanda Pope and Tchavdar Georgiev. Photo Credit: © Amanda Pope and Tchavdar Georgiev, from

Flavors: Freedom


Some things taste. Some do not.

Let’s take freedom for example. What’s the taste of freedom? Is it sweet? Is it bittersweet? Is it salty?Is it spicy? Is it taste-free?

Is it exalting? Is it burdening? Is it inspiring? Is it humbly?Is it prohibitive? Is it enchanting? Is it exuberating? Is it windy? Is it sandy?

I’ve got quite a lot of it: a metalic taste of the freedom to encarcerate people (not literally of course), a sweetlly – sweatly savor of freedom to be called a mother, an enchanting taste to beeing able to say „no!”, the windy taste of looking down from a skyscraper, a humble savor of freedom to look up to a mentor, a bittersweet tang of sipping tequilla in a prohibitive place, a spicy flavour of making love on a beach embraced by twilight…

My take on taste of freedom is that it depends on what we charge our minds with.

Our mind, and our mind only, can transform it from metalic into melting, from sweet into incarcerating, from enchanting into ‚scary to hell’, from windly into ‚down-the-earth-ish”, from humble into ‚pride-charged’, from bittersweet into sorrow, from spicy into rotten…

What’s the taste of your freedom? It’s certainly different from mine, from his, from hers. It’s yours and yours only.

Love for Big: Michael Clarke Duncan


Have you noticed how overwhelmingly annoying can short guys be? And how tenderly inviting can big guys be?

Actor Michael Clarke Duncan left physically this world. I’ll remember him for his John Coffey role in The Green Mile. I never shed a tear at movies but his performance in the 1999 movie made me cry.

Director Michael Bay: „We found him in a gym. He cried at the first audition because he was so proud to audition for a Michael [Bay] and Jerry [Bruckheimer] movie, he just wanted to make his mom proud.” Green Mile director Frank Darabont: “Michael was the gentlest of souls – an exemplar of decency, integrity and kindness.” Tom Hanks: „Michael’s writing, resembled that of “a 12-year-old girl who loves horses”.

i read somewhere that it does not matter what you do. What matters is the impression it leaves. A tender soul in a 6ft 4in (1.93m), 300 lb (136 kg) body to be remembered and cheerished for his tenderness, purity, softness and kindness. There is no need for us to wish you ‚rest in peace’- you are Peace.

Do you garden?


I would not bore with advantages of gardening. I am a novice rooftop gardener. Started with a kitchen herbs garden: pots of basilic, thyme, mint, chilly pepper and strawberies that actually produce a heavenly tasting berry. 

I love the connection to Earth that this kitchen garden provides me with. Bigger and busier the cities I live in, greater my attraction to gardening and micro-scale farming by my kitchen window.

A touch of green to spoil my vision. A flavour of nature to spoil my senses.

A tribute to my grandmother who’s garden was an Eden.

My kid learns about causality: you plant, you water, they grow, you eat. Kids learn about planning, sharing and carrying for.

These are useful skills for some adults, me included, some times, as well.

This could actually be a good question at job interviews: „do you garden?”.

May tell quite something about people, don’t you think?

Hello, complaints. Adios, complaints!


–        I had a fight with my husband, says a 62 years old happily married for 35 years.

–        It’s rather pornographic at your age, don’t you think? responds her 31 years old friend.

They shared a good laugh together. Never ever the 62 year old lady has complained again about her husband, not that other targets of complaints have been totally eliminated from the list.

It’s more socially acceptable to complain. About weight, weather, your hair, your relationships, your kids, your partner.  And even if someone says your family/your kid/your partner/your hair is awesone, there is a great possibility you’ll downplay it.

Why such a tendency to disparage? Is it about images propeled in our lives by romantic comedies, sitcomes or commercials or billboards? It is about what is socially acceptable now / then? Is it about prejudice and stereotype we grew up with?

Or is it may be about …loosing the connection to the true self? Disregarding blessings? Forgeting to be greatful and appreciative of what we have, whom we share our lives with then and now?

Complaining is counterproductive. It brings more of what we are complaining about (but you know that already, right?). It’s a waste of energy and time. If I could, i would invent a complaintometer. We would all be amazed by the amount of energy lost in this process.

Want to make a committment to happiness? Start with Thank you! Thank you for the rain today! Thank you to the one who invented the umbrella! Thank you, my snorring partner, – you waked me up exactly in time for my morning meditation! Thank you for my hair – it survived so many hair cuts and colouring over last decades! Gratitude brings more to be grateful about.

Thank you, Life, for giving me so many opportunities to be grateful about. And kindly reminding me that my happiness is entirely my inner business, my way and my way only:

„Oh, I’ve laughed and cried, had my fill my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, counted also music
To think like the old lad
And may I say not in a sky away,
Oh, no no no, You’re not me, I did it my way”

Nina Simone, My Way